... or maybe just 'Storms in the Brain'. Motherhood is such a head-game... at least for me it is. I sometimes think I am on the brink of a schizophrenic breakdown listening to the sound of my own voice in my head (okay, not really, but you'll soon understand my point). Here is a little of today's diatribe...
"Dangit, she's crying. Did he just push her down again? I can't believe he did it again. It's time for time out, not a short-cut time out because I'm tired of making him stay put...the real deal...even if it means starting the timer over a million times. Hang on Tatum... I know you're hungry. Oh don't tell me... crap...out of fruit for Tatum. Bananas? Take too long to mash. Pears? Yes. I read I can just puree those without cooking. Why in the WORLD am I making my own baby food? Trevor, please, for the love, stay ON your bottom. Maybe I should spank him...I don't even know how to do that. She is still crying, and I can't peel this stupid pear because Trevor won't stay put. Relax, one thing at a time. Go get her, put her in her chair with puffs and maybe she'll be happy. She's always waiting, no wonder she cries so hard. Do I add water to these pears? Guess so. Hang on Tatum... if he doesn't stay put I'm going to spank his bottom. I should warn him about the spanking. I think he gets it... Tatum needs veggies too. Sweet potatoes upset her tummy, better go with squash. That's the last of the squash, guess I'll make baby food tonight. Oh, no I won't, tonight is Bible study. I haven't finished the reading, oh I'll go anyway. She can eat peas tomorrow. Trevor, dang it, I warned you. Maybe I'll just barely spank him and then at least I'm following through. Well, that sucked... can't believe I just spanked my kid. It better work. What time is it? 11:30. Playgroup is over at 12:45. If I hurry, maybe I can still go. Trevor still has to eat....hang on Tatum, I'm sorry, I have to get Trevor started. No battles today, I'm giving him the easy stuff. His leg is red?! What it the WORLD? I didn't spank him hard at all?! ("pank, pank, ouchie") please stop saying that Trevor... who the heck spanks their kid out of the blue? Stupid. At least he seems happy now. Are these pears mashed enough? She likes them... Or NOT... what is it? Why are you screaming? Are you hurt? maybe squash? nope. Please, breathe Tatum. Forget this, maybe she wants a bottle first. Trevor's almost done with the bananas. No, she's had to wait long enough, he can have cheerios. Finally. Calm down baby, slow down Tatum... she's happy... she's eating...I'm so, so, sorry sweet girl. "
A few minutes later, Daddy walks in, ready to meet the contractor for a meeting about our back porch. The kids are content, happy, eating quietly. He asks me how it's been and my eyes well with tears.
"I was going to go to Jenny's, but now I can't..."
***updated*** I should have prefaced this post with a warning about how I like to use the blog for venting... sorry for the whining folks. I promise, things aren't anywhere near as dreary as I described today! ;-)
2 comments:
Oh friend. You are in need of some Mary time. Come over to my house--it'll make you feel better!
The conversations in your head are all so very normal. Maybe just normal to me but at any rate, normal.Trevor is entering the age where everything he does is him practicing being his own person...so he will listen to you, say what you say, say things to get a reaction, etc. It will all seem very normal soon. They are little people now at his age instead of babies. And as hard as it is I promise the method of discipline (spanking or time out or both,) will come together. Quicker than you may think, too.
I'd be happy to make you feel better about your chaos. Just come on over. We are home all week :)
We had the same day, sister...I don't know what was going on. I didn't even get out of my pajamas until 4:30 PM. We did time-out, I got flustered and raised my voice...which I hate, and I popped his leg...all to no avail.
I had a meeting to attend last night and worried about leaving him with Matt. Not for Ryder's sake, but for Matt's sake...who wants to put up with terrible 2's after they've been at work all day. But, I decided to go anyway. When I got home last night, Matt said he didn't have one issue the entire evening. Frustrating!!! I really think Ryder just needs a break from ME sometimes, just as much as I need a break from HIM sometimes. Sounds horrible, when I think about it...but I really think it is true.
I feel the worst when we have days like that after I go up and look at him sleeping. He looks like such an angel and I can't believe that I let myself get so frustrated. Anyway, when things are going rougher than usual, I always tell myself that tomorrow can only be better. I've been saying that since the beginning when he would have bad reflux days full of crying...tomorrow can only be better...it really gets me through the day!
I guess I should go and try to get some sleep, since tomorrow is here now! I just can't get comfortable anymore...I think it is God's way of preparing me for being up with a newborn! Hopefully tomorrow (now today) will be a better day!!
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